Three Boundaries For Better Family Dynamics

It’s nearing the end of the year and the holidays are looming, but let’s be honest - boundaries are needed at ALL times of the year (especially when handling family dynamics!).  Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE my family, my extended family included.  Part of what keeps these relationships healthy is the healthy boundaries we’ve established over the years.  It’s a misconception that boundaries are always for limiting unhealthy behavior.  Boundaries can be used for a LOT of things - and mostly I like to think about them as a tool to help you live in an empowered state by advocating for what you want with love and respect.  With that cleared up, let’s dive in to 3 boundaries for better family dynamics!

The ‘SHOULD’ Check

The first boundary for better family dynamics is an internal boundary.  Internal boundaries are the agreements you have with yourself.  That’s right, boundaries are for US, too.  When you have healthy boundaries with yourself, you can better communicate them to others in a way that feels authentic and empowered.  The internal boundary that’s a game-changer for family dynamics is this internal check-in:

Am I committing to this event/taking this call/hosting this party etc. because I SHOULD, or because I CHOOSE to?

The ‘should’ word enters the vocabulary when we are over-focused on what others expect from us or when we’ve fallen out of alignment with our internal goals and expectations.  Sure, in theory, there are things we ‘should’ do in life.  You might put things like brushing your teeth or looking both ways before you cross the street into the ‘should’ category.  That’s fine.  The issue is that should language shifts the responsibility of your actions.  Instead of making decisions and empowering yourself to follow through with them, ‘should’ language motivates you through guilt and shame feelings.  (Those are icky motivators, even if they are familiar!). 

This is an easy fix - simply check yourself every time you think or say the word ‘should’.  Ask yourself these questions:

Is the statement true?

If it is, then is it true that I’m CHOOSING to follow through?

If your should statement is NOT true, then are you over-committing?  Can you set a boundary here instead to be in integrity with how you ACTUALLY feel?

If you are in fact, choosing to follow through with something - ditch the shoulds, and empower your language with a statement like, I choose to, I am, or I will.

This helps you stay more connected to your values and goals, and it also helps you set boundaries when you need them.  If you’re doing a lot of ‘should-ing’, either you need some internal boundaries (or language shifts), or some better external boundaries so you aren’t committing to this you don’t really want to do.

Go-To Boundary Statements

Okay, that was perhaps the most complicated boundary we’ll discuss here - the next two are more easily practiced.  The last two boundaries for better family dynamics are both statements:

‘Let me get back to you’

‘Thanks for thinking of us!  We’re doing _____ instead.’

The statement ‘let me get back to you’ is for anyone who tends to commit to things in the moment only to regret them later.  This statement allows you to walk away from the pressure to commit in the moment in order to ‘check your calendar’ or whatever else you want to say in order to do what’s actually right for you.  There’s nothing wrong with giving yourself space to build the courage to set a boundary.  This practice is a form of self-care and I highly recommend it!

The final statement is not for the faint of heart - in fact, it might make you sweat a little!  It can feel really daunting to admit you’re choosing not to commit to something someone else wants you to do.  The power in the ‘Thanks for thinking of us!  We’re doing _____ instead’ statement is in its positivity - when said with an upbeat attitude, the person you’re setting a boundary with will want to celebrate the cool things you’re doing, too!  

Now, not everyone will receive your boundaries well, but it’s important to realize that the way you communicate your boundaries plays a huge part in how they are received (and also how you feel about them).  If you can remind yourself that setting this boundary is a celebration for you because you are protecting your precious time and energy, then it’s much easier to align with the positivity involved in a powerful and healthy boundary statement.

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