What to say to your teen when the sh*t hits the fan

We’ve all been there - you’re having a pretty great day and suddenly your kid hurdles themself into the room with tears streaming down their face - they’re having a meltdown.  You’re struck with concern and want to reach out and help, but you hesitate - because the last time you tried to talk through a situation with your teen they stonewalled you and said they were fine (code for the cliche teen statement: ‘you wouldn’t understand!’)  

 Cracking the code on what exactly to say to your teen when they’re having a hard time is no easy task.  While there’s no one-size-fits-all solution, here are some considerations when you’re in the thick of it.

1. Are you trying to ‘fix it’?

When your teen (or even the adults in your life!!) are in the midst of an emotionally charged event, it can be easy to go into fix-it mode.  In fact, this is one of the most common places for parents to go (because you want to HELP your kiddo!!).  While there’s nothing wrong with wanting to help them, trying to ‘fix’ their situation can give the impression that you’re trying to rush them through it.  More importantly, many times, your teen isn’t looking for a solution, they’re looking for validation.  This brings us to our next consideration:

2. How can you empathize first?

Before you launch into fix-it mode, how can you empathize with what they’re feeling?  This step is really hard because it often feels like you aren’t actually doing anything to help, but quite often when someone is feeling emotionally charged, they want to feel validated and seen.  Empathy does both of these things.  An example of an empathy statement would be: ‘It looks like you’re feeling really sad, what a hard day you’ve had!’ or, ‘this situation seems to have worked you up, you’re feeling really hurt (that person) said those things to you. ’  Simply point out the feelings involved and reflect back to them what they are saying to you.  Sit with them in their pain for a bit.  It will feel uncomfortable, but sometimes that’s exactly the healing they need.

3. Don’t assume you know what they’re going through.

The final consideration involves ditching the assumptions you have about what your teen is going through.  Assumptions close your mind to the openness required to be truly empathetic.  If you’ve already decided that their situation is just like that time you were bullied in grade school and you say, “I know exactly how you feel” - this might feel like empathy to you, but it may be received as dismissive.  No one can know ‘exactly’ how another feels.  Instead of assuming, get curious.  Ask questions.  You can even ask, ‘how can I support you right now or, ‘what would be helpful - would you like to vent or find solutions?’.  The important part is that you lead with empathy first (as outlined in #2)

While there is no concrete answer to know exactly what to say to your teen when emotions run high, hopefully, these options give you some new strategies next time you’re in a similar situation (this works for adults, too!)

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